Sex Journey - Sex Then and Now

Sex was something that happened to me. Something I had to give up in order to be loved or accepted.

The continuous dirt path to sexual revelations

I first want to say that this journal entry might be very triggering for a lot of people. This entry speaks of sexual trauma, molestation, etc. Please put boundaries in place to protect yourself if you need to. This journal entry is me speaking my truth. Something that has been hard for me to say for most of my life. Read on with caution and non-judgment. Thank you. 

I was introduced to sex at an early age. It was around six or seven. I can’t be exactly sure because I have blocked out most of my early childhood memories. That being said, I remember my uncles and stepfather teaching me about sex and what was expected of me. 

It was drilled into my head that my worth or value was directly tied to what I could provide to a man sexually. I distinctively thought growing up that in order to receive love from men, I had to give my body first and foremost. Yet those same men would shame women for being whores. 

Make it make sense.

So, as a woman, I learned to lie. If they ask you that age-old question, "How many guys have you slept with?" I would keep it as low as possible. I had to fake innocence and purity. The phrase "I've never done this before" was intended to boost a man's ego. It was also a way to protect myself from humiliation and shame by society's standards of purity. I saw this at school, in TV shows, and in movies as warnings. The innocent virgin was the only one who survived, whereas the slut was always the first to be murdered. I didn’t want to be murdered. Yet the word "No" was never taught to me as an option I could give.

I didn’t have a whimsical, love-struck first sexual experience. My uncle officially took my virginity away. Even though I was molested by my step-father way before then. One night, my uncle sat in the living room and asked me if I wanted to watch something. I said sure. It was, to my surprise, porn. This was my first experience seeing live porn. The closest I've ever been was to the sex magazines in my parents' bathroom cabinet. I didn’t know what to do or say after the DVD started to play. I was eleven or twelve at the time. After a while, he said, we needed to turn it off because he was getting horny and he would need to work it out if we continued. I knew what he meant. I had seen this before, and I honestly didn’t want to have sex with him.

When my step-father would come into my room late at night and rub on me, I would pretend to be asleep and not wake up. Eventually, when my step-father saw that I wasn’t waking up, he would do what he needed to do and leave. At this moment with my uncle, I thought sleeping would help as well. After he shut the porn off, I quickly ran to my bed and pretended to be asleep.

Later, my uncle climbed into my bed. He kissed me on my face and neck and rubbed his hands underneath my shirt. I pretended to be asleep. Just go to sleep and lie still. He’ll rub on me just like my stepfather did, but eventually, he'll leave. Just sleep. I remember my eyes clamping shut as he pulled down my pajama pants. Sleep, sleep, sleep... I repeated it over in my head. He opened my legs and I felt his fingers rub all the places that felt good. I was always so ashamed when my stepfather or my uncles touched me in the "feel good" places. To me, it must have meant that I really wanted it. My body liked this.

I heard the unhooking of my uncle's belt and the familiar sound of pants sliding down legs. He opened me up and entered. I lay dead still as a pain I had never felt before surged through my body. He pulled me closer to him and began thrusting. The tears rolled down my eyes and all I could think was how much sex hurts. Sleep, I kept saying to myself. Eventually, he will leave. He will do what he needs to do and leave. He moaned in my ear and kissed me on the lips. Sleep, just pretend you’re sleeping. It'll be over soon. I continued to comfort myself.

My much younger siblings, who were fast asleep on the other side of the room, began to stir. I felt him pause on top of me and look over. He tried to start again, but this time quieter and slower, but my siblings were moving too much. Because of this, he stopped. I only assumed my siblings were waking up. He eased out of me and quickly left the room. I lay there, still pretending to be asleep. I'm still pretending that nothing ever happened and that this entire thing was just a dream. Eventually, I fell asleep, and in the morning, he was gone. It was actually that uncle who told me I wouldn't be good at anything other than lying on my back. He wouldn't be the last man to tell me this.

Fast forward: healing from my trauma, learning more about my body, dismantling patriarchy, etc. I explored the realm of BDSM and eventually left because it didn’t make me happy. That being said, now that I am in a great spot with myself, my body, and my purpose, I've realized that the hypersexuality was caused by years of rape, molestation, and trauma. I never had a physical or sexual attraction to anyone. Sex was something that happened to me. Something I had to give up in order to be loved or accepted. 

Now that I've made peace with my femininity, it dawned on me that I might be an A-sexual. Do I have a libido? Yes, I do. But since I'm no longer proving myself to anyone and trying to convince people I'm worthy of being loved and, dare I say it, being a borderline "pickme", I don't feel any sexual attraction to anyone. 

Where do I go from here? I’m still trying to figure that out. For now, my journey continues. 

Have you discovered anything about your sexuality that might have rocked your entire world? Or how have your feelings about your sexuality shifted?