Growth is Required:

“Most people run from what they’re afraid of. I run toward it. That doesn’t mean I think I’m bulletproof (I’ve learned the hard way that I’m not) or that I’m unaware of danger. I experience fear as much as the next man. But one of the greatest mistakes people can make is becoming comfortable with their fears. ”

— Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson, Hustle Harder, Hustle Smarter

Barriers We Place Upon Ourselves as Authors

We all say we want to grow and get better, but are we actually allowing ourselves to do that?

This is a challenge I’m facing right now in my author career. Growth.

Growth hurts.

It’s the expanding of limbs, the widening of hips, the shedding of baby fat only to trade it in for real adult fat.

Growth is heavy.

Weighted in expectations. You’re over thirty. You don’t have children. You aren’t married. And you’re still writing your little books?

Sometimes, I can’t even understand what I want for myself underneath the immense pressure cooker of life. The expectations others place on me drown out how I want to prepare myself.

The fear that I am underdone, burnt, undercooked in the middle, not seasoned, too seasoned, not satisfying enough—it makes me not even want to attempt. It makes me freeze up, go numb, and succumb to the emotion of, Why should I bother? I’m not good enough. Not talented enough. Not worthy enough anyway. Might as well not get started.

Then they say, "Well, you won’t suit everybody’s taste."

But that “fix” doesn’t make it hurt any less when people taste what you have, fold their napkins, and politely say, "No, thank you."

This is where I am.

Growth is accountability.

I am self-sabotaging. I know it. I feel it. And I’m too cowardly to talk myself out of throwing in the towel—quitting on the very thing I said I love.

They (you) aren’t eating at my metaphorical restaurant. They’re not liking my dishes. I’m losing customers. What am I doing wrong? Why aren’t I enough?

Growth is truth.

And here I am at the hard part. The part I’m too ashamed to say out loud because saying it means I have to make a choice. I have to do something about it. I have to hold myself accountable—or quit.

And that is: I’m not good enough. Yet.

Growth is realizing that even truth has multiple stories.

I’m not good enough, yet. Yet is the word emphasized.

I’m not good enough, yet.

And this is true. I’m not as good as I think I am. And yes, I know my offerings aren’t meant for everyone. Yes, I know that I’m good and that some people enjoy coming to my place of establishment. Yes, I know I’m trying my best...

But it’s not good enough, yet.

Growth is discernment.

I must make a choice.

Which one?

Stay in this spot of mediocrity?

Say goodbye to my dream, throw in the towel, cave to the pressure?

Or—

Do the hard thing. Grow.

Double down on learning, find out what I’m missing, go back to the drawing board, cry and fuss and curse and flip shit over—then be a fucking adult, pick all that shit back up, and get to work because I believe in my dreams, my desires, my skills, and my experience.

Growth is showing up.

Showing up for myself—even when I don’t know what to do yet, where to go, even when it feels like I’m starting over from scratch. Showing up for me, even when no one else shows up for me.

Growth is work.

Rolling up my sleeves and going back to my metaphorical kitchen. Returning to the basics. Rebuilding a better foundation. Exploring new tastes, spices, cuisines—really doing a deep dive into strengthening my craft.

No matter what I do—

Growth is communing with all parts of myself for my betterment.

I’m not closing my metaphorical restaurant down. I’m just redirecting. No matter how beautiful the atmosphere I’ve created, how lovely the seating, the decor, the customer service—

People are here for the food.

And shitty food draped in fondant is still shitty food.

Growth is realizing I can do better.

Not for them. Not because I “have” to. But for me.

I’m doing this because I want this for myself. I need this for my happiness.

One of the hardest things a creative has to do is show up.

Even when no one else believes in you. Even when you don’t believe in you. Show up anyway.

Growth hurts.

But once we make it through the growing pains, the rewards are abundant. Don’t fight growth. Allow it to change you, mold you, shape you into the better version it knows you can be.

This is what I’m telling myself.

And already—embracing growth has allowed me to sit down at my keyboard and get to work.

Growth as a Writer: Overcoming Self-Doubt and Embracing Creative Success

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